It seems that Recovery from “Knowing it All” and telling others so, when one has discovered that he’s been misled and wrong for decades, is not so simple as my sometimes utterly simplistic and hopelessly flailing attempts have striven hard to make it.
Who’d a thunk that the root of the issue in my Recovery would ultimately be found to be…
… my own seeming inability and stubborned unwillingness to forgive the Biblical Abrahamic God who I now know is not even there to accede to my demands for Repentance, and the lack of compassion and true empathy for those who, as I was for so long, are unwilling by sheer force of indoctrinated and emotionally manipulated will, and in many ways, although obviously to various degrees, highly educated and otherwise in other situations perhaps good and moral in their own rights… yet seemingly made adled in those qualities… are Resistant and Unable to respond intelligently and respectfully when asked to answer questions that led to my Faith’s demise and even challenged to defend the answers that they, like I had before them, had been provided to provide to others like me.
Run on sentence not withstanding…
How does one move forward in recovery from abuse, real or imagined, without first being willing and able to forgive their abuser, even if he is not actually there to be forgiven or receive absolution?
How does one forgive the God he thought he knew, but now realizes was only a Colossal Mind and Life F*ck? And then the second part…
How does one find the compassion and empathy to continue communicating with and exchanging with those who’s mission it is, both personally and ministry wise, to defend the Faith… their Faith… at all costs against the perceived ‘assault of the Enemy’?
My next steps in The Journey
I am not an atheist. At least I don’t think so… Yet. However I know now that the God I once believed in and served and taught others to love and serve, the God of the bible, the Abrahamic God of the Jews, Christians and Muslims (although Christians and Jews would disagree), and the Jesus described in the New Testament as the ‘Only Begotten Son of God’, crucified, risen and soon returning… are not real, but built on cultural myths and religious fiction.
If there is a God “of All there Is”, and I still believe there could be, He or She… or It would be nothing like the God I once thought and believed I knew better than I knew any other person on the planet. If there really is a God of ultimateity, love, hope and peace… THAT God would most likely have no need of our repentance, nor would we need His Forgiveness.
We could do nothing that would affect Him or change Him or offend Him in anyway. If He is “all love” and all mercy, our failures and imperfections would not surprise Him in the slightest. He would demand no other sacrifice than a life well lived, loving heart that meets others where they are, and hands that are willing to serve those around them in true and selfless compassion and empathy.
Forgiveness is for the Forgiver as well as the Forgiven
Its high time I Forgave the God I believed in for 34 years and served in various roles of ‘lay’ or as I call it Avocational Ministry for 25 years. It’s not his fault. He’s not there to demand repentance from. He doesn’t exist to explain or correct or apologize for anything.
And its high time I Forgave those who, being misled and lied to themselves, misled and lied to me. They are as I was, emotionally manipulated and religiously indoctrinated in centuries old bullshit that they have been taught is eternally dangerous and damning to question or deny. Its not their fault, not fully anyway.
The toughest thing I have had to deal with these last two years is the inner turmoil and Questioning, the self guilt and hiding from others who and what I am becoming… A non believer, cut off from the safety and security of a ready-made and supportive Community of Faith. No one wants to be alone in the world. We are beginning to find Community and Friends again… outside of our previous Faith. But it’s been difficult.
But we are moving Forward, not back.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I first watched those debate videos with Apologists trying desperately, and failing, to answer those “questions that must not be asked” and defend those “answers which must not be questioned” coming from the other side of the podium. But you cant go back. You cannot unsee what has been revealed. You cannot be reinserted into the Matrix you now know to be a lie.
Maturity and self responsibility are about going forward, as scary and as uncertain as that may be. And to do so, I need to forgive the God I once knew, the people who still serve Him, and lastly… myself for having been misled and misleading others also. The Recovery continues. Join us. There’s room enough for all on this Road.