My Journey pt 5: Choosing Blindness… Really?

Is it really that difficult to Honestly Doubt?eyes shut edit

I recently read a post from a Christian Blog I follow that seemed to intimate, at least in part, that Christians who start to doubt the Faith they once held dear may do so for somewhat ‘less’ than honest and honorable reasons. Take a look…

“The professor didn’t respond with any of the proofs of God’s existence. He didn’t begin to expound on how Christianity was a rational and obvious belief for any man willing to seriously consider the issue. He could have, but he didn’t. There was a deeper issue and this professor, led by the wisdom of God, cut right through to the heart of the matter like a hot knife through butter. He simply asked, “So, how long have you been sleeping with your girlfriend?””

He ‘could have’ given ‘proofs’ or ‘rational and obvious’ reasons…

So, in the mind of this blogger, possibly the main reason people start to doubt or question their Christian faith is, or at least the only one she gives… “You’ve started doubting God because you have had to.” People, at least the young person in this story, ‘has to’ doubt or question god to justify behavior or feelings that the biblical god calls ‘sinful’.

“You just want to Sin”

As I’ve posted before, and others have posted more eloquently than I on Blogs and YouTube Videos, sin was the very LAST thing we were thinking of when we started questioning the Truth Claims and Morality of what we have believed and held dear as Gospel Truth for the best years of our lives, even decades in my case. Most of us ‘Deconverts’ would have given our right eyes… and our left as well… to find some kind of… ANY amount of ‘Justification’ for continuing to Believe that

  • Jesus is our Savior and Lord,
  • that the Bible is God’s infallible and unassailable Word,

and that the God of the Bible is not only contained as Story and Myth ‘historically’ passed down thru generations of followers, but is still Historically Accurate and archaeologically provable, established Fact.

It just wasn’t True

Speaking mostly for myself and by extension possibly the thousands or millions of people who have ‘Deconverted’ and walked away from the Church, Christianity, Christ Himself… Sin and Debauchery, Licence and Moral Relativism were THE LAST things we wanted to find at the end of our searches. My wife and I didn’t want to know, didn’t want to believe and didn’t want to ‘Deconvert’ or to use the more Christian term… Apostatize from Jesus after decades of serving, loving and actively sharing the “Love of Jesus” with family, friends and people around us for decades as Disciples/Followers of the Gospel. Far from Willful Blindness, we tried to Blind ourselves to the new information and cling to Jesus “By Faith Alone” when historical, archaeological and textual evidence started mounting up against our “Faith once delivered to the Saints”.

Blindness is when you Cover your eyes NOT to See

You see, we tried to “Choose blindness” but just couldn’t. We weren’t trying to justify our sin. We lived as sinless and free from worldly entrapments as just about any couple we’ve ever met. It wasn’t away from the moral requirements of God and Jesus that we ran, but towards the Evidence that the Professor in the story said he could have offered… but didn’t. Instead, like many Preachers, Teachers and Defenders of the Faith, he chose to Attack the Questioner and his Morality rather than simply answer his questions honestly to the best of his ability.

The reason he did so, as all of us now “Deconverted” former Christians know all too well, is that there are no Good or Honest answers to the problems with Christian Faith. Christian Apologetics, especially Internet Apologetics, is far more about keeping the Faithful locked inside the walls with whatever ‘answers’ are good enough to ‘do the job’ than inviting people inside the doors by honestly answering skeptics and questioners. Some ‘choose blindness’ by refusing to ask real questions and refusing to hear real answers. Others ‘ensure blindness’ for others by keeping them from doing so.

My hope is that BJ from the The River Walk is neither of these but instead becomes “not just a hearer only” of the stories and evidences that we Deconverts offer, but a “Doer also”. Don’t take our word for it. Search, read, listen, and Think for Yourself.

  • Please, Stop assuming that Deconverts choose blindness for Sin.
  • Stop “Choosing Blindness” yourself by refusing to self educate.
  • and Stop allowing others to Choose it for you.

Peace. -KIA


40 thoughts on “My Journey pt 5: Choosing Blindness… Really?

  1. When I first deconverted I was astonished by the vast number of people who told me my loss of faith was due to sin…and always sexual sin. I have been faithful to my husband for almost two decades of marriage, never viewed porn in my life, and I assure you sinning was the last thing on my mind while I was attempting to desperately cling to my fading faith. Instead of trying to understand my agony over losing jesus, all the christians could throw at me was my supposed sexual sin. I found it to be disgusting, dishonest, and morally bankrupt. These accusers helped me sever myself from the church forever, so I guess in the end I should be thankful to them. Who needs Satan when you have good christians around?

    KIA, thank you for addressing this topic. The accusations of sin against those questioning deep faith is a horrendous abuse of people who are in the crisis of their lives.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes, do come to the Bible Belt (the worst well being in America) and see “sin” abound among the most religious folk here. One of the things I noticed when I was a devout Christian was how Christians, themselves, showed little discipline and even caused the very ills they claimed Christianity overcame. Let’s see — highest divorce rate. Highest teen pregnancy rate. Highest porn consumption. Highest obesity rate. Highest sexually transmitted diseases. This is what Christians are blinded to.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Mike, you wrote: “My wife and I didn’t want to know, didn’t want to believe and didn’t want to ‘Deconvert’ or to use the more Christian term… Apostatize from Jesus after decades of serving, loving and actively sharing the “Love of Jesus” with family, friends and people around us for decades as Disciples/Followers of the Gospel. Far from Willful Blindness, we tried to Blind ourselves to the new information and cling to Jesus “

    You are a recent deconvert, and for me it’s been over a decade since I deconverted, so I’ve had a lot more time to think about this. The phrase that stood out was you stating “cling to Jesus”. Here’s what most Christians, such as BJ, are blinded to:

    What Is a Codependent Relationship?

    The first step in getting things back on track is to understand the meaning of a codependent relationship. Experts say it’s a pattern of behavior in which you find yourself dependent on approval from someone else for your self-worth and identity.

    One key sign is when your sense of purpose in life wraps around making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs.

    “Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn’t have self-sufficiency or autonomy,” says Scott Wetzler, PhD, psychology division chief at Albert Einstein College of Medicine.”

    In this next quote from WebMD, replace partner or person with Jesus or God:

    “How to Know You’re in a Codependent Relationship

    Watch out for these signs that you might be in a codependent relationship:

    1) Are you unable to find satisfaction in your life outside of a specific person?
    2) Do you recognize unhealthy behaviors in your partner but stay with him or her in spite of them?
    3) Are you giving support to your partner at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical health?

    I realize that you might find that Christianity and your “personal” relationship with Jesus was hunky dory, but the longer you are deconverted, the more you will recognize the cost to your own mental, emotional and physical health when you were a Christian. Of course I am speaking of devout Christians.

    It’s a bitter pill to swallow, which is probably the main reason why people like BJ look for excuses as to why people leave the faith. As you and other deconverts have noted — the desire to “sin” couldn’t have been further from the truth.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I was making a connection between that instance and what the Pharisees were doing and warning that there is a potential danger for us to doing it as well. I was not saying this is always the case. I agree with Anselm that we come to faith through doubt. Doubt and a healthy curiosity are a good thing that all too often many in the church world are unjustly afraid of. I have written on this plenty of times, recently:

    You gave me three pieces of advice at the end, please let me address them:
    1) Please, Stop assuming that Deconverts choose blindness for Sin.
    Like I just said above…

    2) Stop “Choosing Blindness” yourself by refusing to self educate.
    Feel free to stop by my goodreads account and see my “currently reading” of “read” bookshelves to see just the tip of what I am reading. I would love to discuss any of those books with you on another forum if you would like. No offense, but I think it would be a fair assumption to say that I am far more read both broad and deep than you. If not, congratulations. I love meeting fellow nerds.

    3) and Stop allowing others to Choose it for you.
    You claim to follow my blog but when you say this, I begin to think you aren’t really reading anything I write. If you have been reading me for any length at all it would be quickly obvious how ridiculous and unnecessary this piece of advice is.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I read your post today. The implication again is wrong. Dead wrong. Most of us who are no longer Christian are not just those who were ‘not true christians’ and it’s ridiculous to imply it to be the case. You can read some of my journey to find out but suffice to say, saying people ‘weren’t real’ and that’s why they left is like saying they died because they were never alive.

      Liked by 2 people

    • You simply have no idea who these people are, what their individual stories are and why they left. It is a common meme and apologetics ‘answer’ that again… You have allowed yourself to be fed unknowingly and then repeated unfeelingly. Do you really think you are displaying the empathy and compassion of Christ when you tell someone that they were never a True Christian ™ to begin with after decades of serving him and even ministry?
      It may give you comfort to believe this is the case, but you have no idea how offensive and cruel such a statement and assertion that is.

      Liked by 1 person

    • How old are you? How many years have you been Christian? How many missions trips to which countries? How many years in ministry? You have no idea.
      You are exactly like the professor, instead of giving answers and trying to help, you attack the questioner, the doubter, the deconvert’s character and genuineness to alleviate your own conscience from having to consider whether what they are saying could be the case.

      Liked by 1 person

    • And i do follow your blog. It’s just not every post that ticks me off like those last two.
      I tried to comment and give input on your posts but I got the same as you are giving me here so ratherr than offend you and get deleted comments, I chose not to comment there any more.


    • I’ve been a minister/missionary in three countries on two continents in the last 25yrs of ministry. How bout you? Well, try answering rather than attacking. How bout it?


      • Wow. I have been away from the keyboard for an hour and come back to find a good ten comments to my one reply. You are right I don’t know your story. I never said I did. I do know that professor and that student. The professor was spot on, the student did stop and put proper boundaries in his relationship. Eventually he married that girl and they are both serving God today. He would be the first to agree with what I have written and I have his permission to share the story. So when you say I have no idea who these people are, you are the one making false assumptions.
        I applaud you for your twenty five years of ministry. I still have three more to go to catch up and I am currently serving God in a land that is 98% Muslim. Certain words I cannot use for myself because they could very quickly lead to deportation at best. I am sorry for not immediately jumping in to respond, as it is I desperately wish I could add another half dozen hours to each day. If in any way you feel I have been attacking you. You simply offered “advice” to me at the end of your post and while you certainly can say whatever you wish on your own blog, I felt it was not inappropriate for me to respond what was indirectly addressed at me.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Beejai, interesting that you cite Anselm. Nowadays he is cited most often for the Ontological Argument as a ‘proof’ for the existence of God. Perhaps I don’t fully grasp it, but I found it quite unpersuasive.

      As to ‘coming to faith through doubt’ that might work for some, but others it drives to away from faith. It is very hard to put trust in Bible promises if you are in doubt.

      Still I applaud people of faith who seek understanding. A couple of years back I read Daniel Migliore’s book on Christian Theology, ‘Faith Seeks Understanding’. In his introduction he saw this approach to Christian understanding as falling in line with the tradition of Augustine, Anselm. Aquinas and Barth. Surely 4 folk of great intellect and inquiring minds.

      Pity that some like Luther, who famously saw Reason as a ‘Whore’ and the enemy of truth were not quite so open.

      After many years of calling myself a Christian in February 2015 I concluded that the Bible contained clear errors and could not be from a divine source. Then again perhaps I really just wanted to sin and are deluding myself.

      I do applaud you for working in a Muslim land, that is no easy gig.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’m not really sure she said she was a missionary. She said she’s serving God there, but it could just be her home country, being a Christian. Interested in the question though.
        BJ, are you saying you serve God as a missionary or minister in a country that is 98% Muslim ? Or is it that you are a Christian, serving God in your home country, not in missionary or ministry capacity?
        I would hope to avoid false impressions and false equivalencies in the conversation


    • i would have punched the guy for assuming what he didn’t know and having the rudeness to ask me a question based on his arrogant imposition of authority rather than having the compassion and empathy or normal people to deal with my question without insulting both my intelligence and morals.
      he would have been bleeding on the floor.


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